/DepthsOfSoul

I know, haven't used this blasted thing for a long time. But every now and then, I gotta post my thoughts. Why? I guess I like the thought of other people reading them and knowing what I'm thinking. You see, being the way I am with the mental ticks I have, I'm stuck having the same thoughts, conversations, memories, and possibilities going through my head without end. That's why I'm so open with people. Sharing means that my brain-bugs are not the only ones who can chatter to me.

And maybe, just maybe, someone will come talk to me about it. Make me feel better. Or even sort things out with me.

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Just a short update, finally caught that furry little chewer of food packets. The little bastard ate the peanut butter off the traps TWICE. So I set two traps up side-by-side. Little bugger licked the peanut butter off one and got caught trying to get into the other. Finally. Leaving the traps out in case he had any friends.

At last I can relax without the sound of food packets being crunched on at 3:00 AM.

Ah so 2008 has finally set upon us. No, don't look here for resolutions, promises, or any of that other crap. I'm all to well aware of the fact I couldn't keep up with a "self-improvement" promise based on new calendar if my life depended on it. Instead, I roll with the punches, go with the flow and continue to just make it up as I go. Such is life.
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Well...this week should be utter hell. I have to leave town tonight for a dentist appointment before coming back the next evening. Given what I have to get done by next week for college, the dentist appointment will be my last bit of relaxation. Yes, it's that crazy. Three assignments due along with two midterms all for Tuesday/Wednesday next week. I feel like running screaming into the streets but somehow I know even if I got hit by a car I'd survive and end up having to do my homework in the intensive care ward.

At least I get a bit of relaxation in the end. The weekend following my Week of Doom I am on a trip to Calgary with Rose to meet up with old friends and do something we've not done in almost a year: Live Rocky Horror. Rocky Horror Picture Show accompanied by live actors on stage acting out the scenes and audience heckling...every single time I've gone it has been an absolute blast. Then an evening out at Denny's with friends for late night food and laughs. Rose and I are catching the bus up together and back so I won't have to be bored out of my skull for three hours both ways this time.

Been spending free time over at Rose and Corey's place. It's nice to finally be able to hang out away from home again. Just spending an evening watching TV, cracking jokes, munching chips and then crashing on the futon is probably the most de-stressing part of my week. Unfortunately with the Week of Doom I'll be unable to do so again until after my midterms next week...but when they're done I hope to have a get together with a bunch of people for Mario Kart night.

On the personal front things are going great. I do need to learn to control my paranoia and not read into things as much though. Lately it's been reading into things negatively when that isn't the case. Taking something someone says or does, assuming it means the worst instead of...what it actually means, that sort of thing. I guess given how things went over the course of 2007 I'm still in "The Sky Is Falling" brain-mode. I'm the slow one of those involved when it comes to relaxing and actually accepting that the world is not about to end without me knowing.

Hey, once you start being paranoid it's hard to quit. Remember, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that people aren't out to get me. ;)

Well that's a summary of things so far, at least in-so-much as I'm going to talk about publicly. Tune in next time where we find out if I have degenerated into a puddle of goo as a result of my grammar midterm!

-Peace

Oi this Rhetoric project is going to kick my tail. Good thing it's only 10%...can screw up and still pass! Yay!

Alright. I need to pick a topic and argue it using the 3 categories of emotional, logical and ethical appeal. It can be any topic as long as it isn't already an accepted fact. So thusly, "The Earth is Round" is not a topic I can pick. "The Earth is Octagonal" would be. Now, when I first approached this a week ago I did it from the scientific mind only to find out that isn't what this is about. It's giving my opinion. Prof warned us away from getting bogged down in research and sources. In fact, you shouldn't need sources as this is an exercise in arguing your point through the means of logic and reasoning.

So...the topic. It has to be something I have an opinion on. Something I'm really passionate about. What a time to be apathetic in one's life. Gotta be something. She gave us an example of a girl who wrote her paper on "Government approved doctor assisted suicide for those of a sound mind". Made a fairly compelling case too on the grounds of her father wanting to die as he slowly aged into more pain over the years. That was the emotional appeal...had a ton of logical and ethical ones too. Anyway, I need something I have a strong opinion on and can give a full, logical, sound reasoning for.

Problem is there's only one thing that's on my mind these days and that's not a fitting topic for a college paper...or any paper for that matter. Gotta find something else. Think medical? Social? Politica....oh fuck no...no no no no not going there. That place is scary. Economical? No, hate math and numbers, adding dollar signs just gums it up further.

Well I have four days and change to come up with something and write it out. The sooner the better, I need to revise and update. Free write, the prof said, tweak and mold it after. Great..now I just need a beginning.

Oh hello there! I see you caught me rambling to myself. These things sometimes happen even in my Blogs. It's either here or I start talking to myself...and answering myself. If you have any thoughts or suggested topics you think I'm passionate about....fire away! If not, enjoy the show as I spiral into the first steps of madness! Come along children! There's candy in them there purple hills!

-Peace

Well I'm a bit slow with the updates. Sue me. Actually...don't, I need my money as I'm living off student loans. Sue someone else and send me a percentage.

So classes have been in swing for about a month now and it's all looking pretty good. Advanced Grammar I think will be my tough spot, always battled with grammar and having something called "advanced" grammar makes me nervous. Pray with me children, hope for a ray of light amid the coming dark. Legal Issues for Writers will make my head swim but is very interesting. We learned all the steps involved in getting sued. Next time you think you want to sue someone, remember that it can take up to 5 years of your life and if you blow it in the end, you end up paying THEM money. And not a small sum either.

Prose is mindless. A real step backwards. It's all business communication and how to talk to various groups. I knew this stuff before I took this program so I should be able to get through it without straining myself too badly. Rhetoric...now there is an interesting class. It would take a long time to explain the dynamics but needless to say it is the art of arguing. More to the point, the art of finding the truth in an argument and presenting it through logical, emotional and ethical arguments. Very interesting stuff and always enjoyable. I love bantering with my professor.

Homework begins this week. Got assignments due up next week but I have no fear. A mere rhetorical paper and a letter to write. Ho hum. When we get into the real meat of the program, that's when the fun begins. Oh my yes. Then I shall be ripping my hair out in meaty clumps and laughing in an unhealthy manner while I rock back and forth in the corner.

Other then that life is...bland. People ask me how I am and all I can say is "alive" or "surviving". It would be dishonest to say "fine" or "great". College is going well, I'm healthy physically short of some possible carpal-tunnel in one wrist, well fed, keeping up on my appearance, even hanging out with Corey a bit more. Yet I still don't feel like I'm doing anything except just...going through each day. Living without being alive, y'know?

I never had anyone I cared enough about to actually feel dead when they're gone before. Had friends come and go, even girlfriends. This is actually leaving me sort of...walking dead. Though Meghan and I now understand each other a bit better I think, relationship wise. I never knew why a year after being broken up she was still looking not entirely herself. Now I do. It really is like moving through life on automatic. You apply yourself to work, school, distractions and try to just keep yourself busy enough that you don't have time to think about it. Yet, at the end of the day or in a quiet moment it all comes back and you just wonder "why bother?"

Of course, you still bother because what else can you do? Lay down and die? What good will that do anyone? Certainly won't solve your problems, you just end up dead and if there is an afterlife your problems come along with you. Goody goody gumdrops.

Two people have been my real sources for advice and answers to the big questions floating around in my head. My sister and someone on Warpstorm who I've come to call a true friend. He knows who he is. He's been there for me often, always with wisdom or a good kick in the ass. Corey tries, he really does. Problem is he doesn't know much about these sorts of situations. He's never been in my shoes, even admits that. I applaud him for trying and patience.

I asked my sister if I was crazy, both for still being down about things and for still wishing it'd come back. Also for acting the way I did the last few months. She gave me a look and said "You're not acting THAT crazy, dude." I told her I feel stupid for still wanting things to come back. She has the best responses. "Yeah? Well you're stupid for feeling stupid." My sister is a wonderful sort. XD

I resigned myself not to look for hope anywhere, read too deep into things and the like. It hasn't helped much. Even when you don't have hope, you keep hoping FOR hope. Of course if you aren't hoping, you can't hope for hope..but you hope that a reason comes up that you can hope for hope. Wait...um...what was I saying? Might have to find my old logic prof and pop that one to him, see if his head spins.

Well. I see once again the emotional stress portion of my journal has outweighed the rest of it. Such seems to be the way of the day since May. Oh well, cest la vie and all that. I think I'll end off with a quote today.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman on Love

I don't hate love, but I certainly sympathize with those who are caught in it.


-Peace

P.S. - I'm sure this may incur some comments from a few (or not? I am often surprised) along the lines of "Find someone new!" While my parents would be mortified at the thought for their own understandable reasons, I also must say unto you...no thank you. Relationships are like a house of cards. When it falls down after a year of putting it together, you tend not to want to build a new house of cards again for a long long time.

Well time for an update for you curious readers out there. Things are...there. Best word for it really. Two more weeks of work before I get a week off to get things ready and then we get into the college scene. Ah the halls of the learned....synonymous with halls of the damned. One more year (it better be) and I get a piece of paper that says I have accomplished post-secondary. Then...I...do something...with it.

Classes are all set up and ready to go. Was a bit hectic but my department head and I managed to get all my last classes into two semesters without an overload situation showing up. Good news for me. Some of the classes look intimidating, but I think I'll make it on through. Have a good feeling about this one. Still have one, which is rare.

Work has been an ongoing tirade of lifting, sweating, hurting myself and watching the stock pile higher and higher while my boss gets angrier and angrier. Not at me of course, she's just miffed that we've got 30+ sections of crap-ass clearance shoes that nobody wants to buy taking up all the space we need for the shoes coming in. Means boxes are stacking and more freight in every day. To help matters, my replacement worker I was supposed to train today decided to no-show with no call or anything. Hooray burning the bridge before you cross it. Genius. Ah well, gave me a quiet place to work today which was good.

Actually it was a very good thing I didn't get someone to train today. Didn't sleep a wink last night (along with most of the staff at work apparently). Weather changes, fuck up the sleep royally. I got tired 20 minutes before my alarm went off. Was not happy. So I grogged my way through the day with barely a coherent thought. Managed to trip over the same crate 6 times in the span of 2 hours. Amanda (co-worker) was amused, I was bruised. At least I can bring laughter to the work-force through self-incapacitation.

On the Life-Outside-Work front, was a good weekend. Midii came down from Calgary to visit and stayed at my place for a couple days. Corey came over for a while before Midii and I hit Animethon 14 in Edmonton. Not much to watch there so we just hung around for the afternoon. Sat out on the grass of the college for a good hour or so just catching up on current events and people. After we went to New City and drank with Jon for the evening. Both Midii and I were pretty wiped so headed back and crashed. Sunday we watched Venture Brothers with Corey all day while munching tacos and leftover pizza. All in all, a good way to spend a weekend.

Besides that, things are...in flux. By that I mean everything has sort of hit this point in the last while where things are starting to happen but I am only capable of watching, waiting and seeing what happens. It's almost maddening but at least I have work to keep me occupied. College will start up soon and with it the multitude of papers. Student loan is completed and on it's way to me. Changes going on with various people in my life that could lead to better things, worse things or nothing at all. Hence: flux.

Let's see...yep that covers it. A life update for all you curious people out there.

-Peace

So been a while since my last update (publicly at least). Guess I better get the old ball rolling, though don't know who still reads this thing.
( You know what to do )

Today ended another chapter of my life and opens a fresh page to a new one. I gathered the last of my things from Rose and Vince's, said my final words to Rose (the ones we don't say in case there's a chance things will be better), and walked home from a place I won't walk back to again for a long time.

I finally got my answer today. It isn't coming back. None of it. Eight months of love and relationship had fallen to dust two weeks ago and today the last of that dust blew away. I still have no answers, no real good reason for any of it. Oh I have rationalizations, too many of those really. But no reason.

If you are reading through this in the hopes of finding out dirty secrets, back stabbings and dirt then I must kindly ask you to go fornicate with yourself. The Rose who I spent long hours just staring at or thinking about to brighten my day is gone but I still won't sully her any more than I would a friend who passed away. She left without warning two weeks ago and I doubt I'll ever see her again. The Rose out there now I don't know well enough or understand well enough to say anything about. So if you want dirt, go dig in the back yard for a few hours. You'll find nothing from me.

My final words were long and culminated everything I've thought about for the last while. I won't repeat them here, they're not for your eyes. Besides, I doubt they impacted much on her and I bet anything they mean nothing to you.

None of it matters anyway. She'll be just another memory, fading until only the barest hint of it remains. A name brought up in idle conversation and quickly forgotten. Just like Dianna and Nicole, I won't even be able to remember her voice in a year. I think that's what catches my heart in my throat the most. Right now I can still hear that voice telling me how much I meant to her. Part of me wants to cling on to that because it made me happy once, but the reality is all it is now is a memory of what could have been and won't be.

But, I'm not going to sit here and black-like-soul myself. I have a job to find and a year of classes to finish before life even really begins. Memories fade until forgotten, love dies away with time, hearts mend to go looking for new ways to be broken.

Such is life.

-Peace

Holy balls I haven't written a semi-public journal entry is a bloody long while. That's what happens, folks, when keeping yourself updated on your own life becomes a full time job. Seriously, sometimes these days I don't know if I'm coming or going but at least I'm making progress in whatever direction I'm facing here.

Needless to say this will be a lengthy update as I have plenty of ground to cover. So sit back, grab a sammich and read on.
( Behold my life to date! )